North Of America States

Let’s talk about the North of America States. No, that’s not a typo—I’m talking about the glorious, frozen, slightly deranged collection of places that sit above the Lower 48. You know, the ones that make Canada look tropical. We’re diving into Alaska, plus the wild northern edges of Washington, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine. Buckle up—it’s about to get frosty.

Alaska: The Reject Who Became a Legend

Alaska is the state that bought the farm—literally, from Russia for two cents an acre. Today, it’s the place where everything is bigger, including your utility bills. Imagine a land where moose roam the streets like entitled neighbors, and the sun either never sets or never rises, depending on how much you’ve had to drink.

Here’s a surprise: Alaska has more coastline than all other U.S. states combined. That’s over 6,600 miles of jagged, bear-infested beauty. And yes, the bears are real. They can open your car door, but they’re very polite about it—they’ll leave a note if they steal your picnic basket.

The Great Northern Borderlands

Now slide east to the Lower 48’s frozen fringe. Minnesota calls itself “Land of 10,000 Lakes,” but that’s a lie—it’s actually 11,842. The extra 1,842 lakes are all hidden under your uncle’s ice-fishing shack. Up here, people don’t “go outside”; they survive outside, often wearing three layers of flannel and a look of grim determination.

Did you know the International Peace Garden straddles North Dakota and Manitoba? It’s a 2,300-acre monument to “we promise not to invade you.” But here’s the kicker: the garden’s welcome center is shaped like a giant turtle. Why? Because why not? The frostbite probably adds to the turtle’s character.

Michigan and the Great Lake Shenanigans

Michigan’s Upper Peninsula is basically Canada’s awkward cousin that nobody talks about. Locals call it “the U.P.,” and they speak a dialect that sounds like “eh” mixed with diesel fumes. The region is a winter wasteland where snow can fall upwards because the wind says so. One town, Ishpeming, claims to be the birthplace of professional skiing. I think they just wanted an excuse to drink hot cocoa in a haunted cabin.

Fun fact: Lake Superior is so large it holds 10% of the world’s surface freshwater. It also has waves that can sink a freighter. Locals tell stories of a “Lake Superior sea serpent” named Bessie. I’ve never seen Bessie, but I’ve seen a guy try to fish in a blizzard. That’s scarier.

New England’s Arctic Attitude

Up in Maine and New Hampshire, winter is not a season—it’s a lifestyle. Mount Washington in New Hampshire once recorded a wind gust of 231 miles per hour. That’s not weather; that’s the planet clearing its throat. People who live there have a special handshake: it’s called “the double mitten grip.”

Vermont is like the fancy cheese plate of the North. They have more maple syrup per capita than anyplace else, and they take it very seriously. There’s a law that says you cannot call something “maple syrup” if it has that fake brown sugar taste. Meanwhile, in New York’s Adirondack Mountains, the loons laugh at you for not owning a second pair of wool socks.

The Surprising Truth About Resilience

Here’s the final joke: despite the cold, these North of America States have the happiest people. A 2023 study found that Alaskans report some of the highest life satisfaction in the country. Maybe it’s the endless daylight in June. Maybe it’s the state motto: “North to the Future.” Or maybe it’s that after surviving a -40° wind chill, a bad day at work just doesn’t seem so bad.

So next time you complain about a little rain, remember: someone in Fairbanks just broke a sweat shoveling their roof. The North loves you—it just shows it with icicles and a lot of flannel. Stay warm, you beautiful weirdos.