Why Does Simon Wear Red Glasses

Simon will tell you it’s practical. He’ll say something boring like, “Red frames help me see better in low light.” Typical Simon, always deflecting with facts.

But come on. You don’t wear that color for practical reasons unless you’re a fire truck. Or a cardinal. Or a stop sign that’s really into personal branding.

He claims it’s about contrast. His eyes are blue, so red makes them “pop.” Popping is fine, Simon, but that shade screams “I’m about to do something chaotic.”

The Hidden Reason (The One I Invented)

I think Simon wears red glasses because he’s secretly a time traveler. Think about it: red lenses hide his glowing chrono-eyes when he’s scanning for paradoxes.

Or maybe he’s a spy. Red glasses refract laser beams. One time he looked at a laser pointer, and I swear the beam bent around his face. Coincidence? I think not.

Here’s my favorite theory: Simon is a distraction artist. He wears those glasses so you stare at his face while his hands pickpocket your fries. You’ve noticed your French fries vanish around him, right? Right.

The Psychology of Red (Because I Googled It)

Red is the loudest color in the room. It says, “Look at me. No, really, look.” Simon’s glasses are basically a personal microphone for his face.

Psychologists say red makes you seem confident, maybe a little aggressive. Simon? He’s the guy who argues that pineapple belongs on pizza and then wins. You can’t argue with someone who’s wearing two stop signs on his nose.

There’s also the theory that red glasses make you appear smarter. Not book-smart, but “I know a shortcut to a secret speakeasy” smart. Simon definitely knows a shortcut. It’s through an alley that smells like bad decisions and wet cardboard.

The Real Reason (Probably)

I cornered Simon last week during our coffee date. I asked point-blank: “Why the red glasses?” He grinned, took a slurp of his oat-milk latte, and said, “Because they’re fun.”

That’s it. Fun. He didn’t mention time travel, lasers, or missing fries. He just likes the way they make his day feel like a cartoon.

And honestly? That’s the best reason. In a world of gray suits and boring beige, Simon chose to look like a candy wrapper. I respect that.

What Simon’s Glasses Teach Us

Here’s the thing: we’re all a little afraid to be too visible. We hide behind muted colors and “appropriate” choices. Simon doesn’t hide. He blazes.

His glasses say, “I don’t care if you think I look ridiculous. I’ll own ridiculous.” And that’s a superpower, honestly. A red-framed superpower.

Next time you see him, stare at those glasses. Really take them in. Notice how they catch the light like a fire alarm that decided to be cute. Then ask yourself: What’s my red glasses?

One Last Wild Theory

I still think there’s a 99% chance Simon is a retired superhero. The glasses hide his x-ray vision. Or they’re a transmitter for his secret underground lair. I’ve never seen him without them, even in the shower. Okay, I haven’t looked, but I assume.

Maybe the red frames contain a microchip that controls the weather. Have you noticed how it’s always sunny when Simon’s around? No? Just me? Fine.

Look, the truth is simple: Simon wears red glasses because he wants to. Because he can. Because life is too short for boring accessories. And if that means he looks like a raspberry that went to college, so be it.

So next Tuesday, when you see Simon at the coffee shop, don’t ask him why he wears red glasses. Thank him. Thank him for being a walking reminder that we can all be a little more extra. A little more stop-sign. A little more Simon.

And maybe—just maybe—steal his fries while he’s distracted. He’ll blame it on the glasses anyway.