The Laboratory Spa & Health Club Muswell Hill

Forget everything you know about stuffy, silent spas. The Laboratory Spa & Health Club in Muswell Hill is gloriously weird. It’s a place where science meets serenity, and honestly, it’s the most fun you can have while lying still. Let’s dive in.

The name is not a joke.

Yes, it’s actually called a laboratory. But you won’t find bubbling beakers or white lab coats. Instead, you’ll find a menu of treatments with names like “Night Repair” and “Cryo Facial.” They treat your skin like a science experiment—the good kind.

The vibe is part retro-futuristic, part cozy den. Think 1960s space age meets your grandma’s living room. It’s weird. It works.

First, the pool. It’s a hot spot.

The swimming pool here isn’t just water—it’s a talking point. It’s saltwater, not chlorinated. That means no burning eyes and no “pool smell.” You float like a human cork.

Quirky fact: The pool is heated to a balmy 30°C (86°F). That’s almost bath temperature. You’ll struggle to leave. Don’t be surprised if you see someone napping on a floating mat.

Steam rooms? More like secret lairs.

The steam room is tiled in electric blue and glows like a villain’s hideout. It smells of eucalyptus and feels like a warm hug from a ghost. The sauna, meanwhile, is a wooden box of pure calm.

Funny detail: People whisper in the sauna. It’s an unspoken rule. You’ll hear secrets about bad dates and sore backs. It’s unintentional group therapy.

The treatments are science projects.

Try the “Oxygen Facial.” They blast your face with pure O2. You feel like a superhero. Or the “Collagen Boosting” mask—it’s cold, slimy, and makes you look like a swamp creature. But when you rinse off? Glowing.

They have a machine called the “HydraFacial.” It sucks dirt from your pores while spraying serum. It’s like a vacuum cleaner for your face. Satisfying? Extremely.

Don’t miss the relaxation room.

After any treatment, you land in the “Relaxation Lounge.” It’s a dim room with heated loungers. You get a cup of herbal tea and a warm blanket. The only sound is a trickling fountain. It’s dangerously comfortable.

People fall asleep here. Staff let them. One time, someone snored so loudly it echoed. Everyone giggled. No one cared.

The gym is a hidden gem.

Upstairs, there’s a health club. It’s not flashy, but it’s smart. They have old-school weights and a row of spin bikes. The classes are tiny—like eight people max. You get actual attention from the instructor.

Funny detail: The treadmills face a window that overlooks the pool. You watch swimmers while you run. It’s like a fishbowl for humans. Distracting? Yes. Motivating? Also yes.

The staff are characters.

Meet Sarah, the receptionist. She remembers your name after one visit. She’ll also tell you if your ponytail is crooked. The therapists? They’re chatty until the massage starts. Then they go silent. It’s a magical switch.

One therapist once whispered, “Breathe out your stress.” I nearly laughed. But it worked.

Why Muswell Hill?

This isn’t a chain. It’s a local institution tucked into a quiet street in North London. The building used to be a Victorian house. Now it smells like lavender and sanity. Locals guard it like a secret.

Fun fact: The spa has a loyalty card. Fill it up, get a free treatment. Yes, it’s like a coffee stamp card—but for hot stone massages. Genius.

The weirdest thing?

There’s a salt cave. Yes, a room made of pink salt bricks. You sit in silence for 30 minutes. It’s meant to clear your lungs. Instead, you just feel like a potato in a salt shaker. It’s oddly calming.

People take selfies in the salt cave. The pink glow makes everyone look good. It’s become an accidental Instagram hotspot.

Is it worth the hype?

Yes. But not for luxury. It’s for quirky fun. You go for the oxygen facials, stay for the snoring relaxation room. You pay for science, you get silliness. It’s a playground for grown-ups.

The prices aren’t cheap, but they’re fair. A massage costs about what you’d spend on dinner for two. But you’re feeding your soul, not your stomach.

A final tip.

Book the “Twilight Spa” session. It’s from 6 PM to 9 PM on Fridays. The lights dim, the music slows, and the pool gets a special “moonlight” setting. It’s basically a nightclub for relaxation.

You’ll leave with squishy fingers and a clear mind. And maybe a new secret whispered in the sauna. The Laboratory Spa isn’t just a spa—it’s a vibe. Go be a science experiment. You’ll love it.